List of gratitudes 2020

 This year was hard for everyone. For many of us from the first world (EU, USA but not only) this was the worst year since 1990.  However, in a longue durée historical perspective, it is obviously not even comparable to the most terrible years of the 20th century (1914-1918, 1939-1945 and many more, even in the 1990's for some countries). Our society was living in such a beautiful, calm and luxurious abundency, that we lost our connection with the reality of nature, the reality of life and the proximity of death. The reaction of the human race for this pandemic - not the first and not even the last one we face - was unusual and odd: on one hand it proved that we are now fully a global society, a unified homo sapiens  which resonates as one in deep crises too. It proved also, that science, politics and the new industry (industrial revolution 4.0) are strongly working together in a symbiosis where one can hardly separate the opinion of a politician, a specialist and an industrialist. This pandemic - although far from being the most severe and most dangerous in the last 100 years - provoked unprecedented changes in human history, which necessity will be put on the ballance of history in the future. We will see, if this paradigmatic year will change indeed the evolution of the homo sapiens and its relation with planet Earth. It is rare in history to have a great comet and the Jupiter-Saturn conjunction too in the same year: that would have been a clear sign for ancient societies that this year was a very, very unusual one. 

On a much more micro-level, the society was atomized, deconstructed, individualised, isolated and virtualised or digitized. Our feelings and interpersonal relations were transformed into digital zoom, google meets, teams and skype meetings. It was a hard year for everyone, in a way or another. For me personally it was a terrible one, but it could be much worse too. At least 70% of what I consider important in life (dynamic social life, meeting friends, interaction with university and academic environments, conferences, travelling, cultural tourism, nature, walking, urban life, research in the big libraries of my field) was digitized,  limited or forbidden in this year. It is enough to see my last year: 16.000 km in 4 countries, meeting 30-40 friends in dozens of cities. This year that was impossible. This created a strong anxiety in me, a struggle which I often failed to negociate in my inner world, not really famous for patience and stoicism. Online education is a total mess, a tragedy as well as online research which limited my work and made it impossible to finish many of my chapters of the book project I am working on. All my planned conferences was cancelled and I became basically a robot speaking with my power points 5-6-7 hours daily, spending 10-12 hours daily on digital media. Despite of this inner struggle - which was connected with the collective suffering of humanity this year - I tried to focus on some good things of this year for which I am very grateful. 

- I am happy that in February I spent two weeks again in Berlin, meeting amazing friends (old and new too) there again. I love that city and a big part of my heart is already there since ten years now. 

- glad that I had at least 1,5 month to teach in real life in early spring. That cannot be replaced by online spaces

- glad that I met in February my friends and colleagues from Szeged. I hope that we can spend more time in the future 

- happy for my few, but good friends from Sibiu who helped me a lot in these difficult times with their presence, company and patience. That helped me through this year. 

- glad that I spent so much time in parks, nature, forest. I had some really nice moments there, helped me during lockdowns. 

- glad I visited some local touristic sites and the Szeklerland (Székelyföld) too

- happy for the most spontaneous meeting with my Alterego and his family. That was a shocking meeting in Csikszereda.

- I was lucky to spent some long nights with friends in search of Jupiter, Saturn and the comet Neowise.

- I am happy for my 10 small articles and studies which are in press now. Although it is not the product of 2020, my book on András Bodor was finished in this year too. 

- I am happy for some new gastronomic experiences I made home, lot of new music, films discovered. 

- greatful that in the time of crisis I realised who are those really close to me and who are the people who fail to stay close in these difficult times. 

- glad that despite of my hypochondria and few hundreds of euros spent on medicine this year I am still alive at least, even if I am not healthy anymore. 

I hope for myself and all of us for a better, happier year with real hugs, real interaction and lot of physical meetings too.

List of gratitudes 2019

Every year of a life is a small, individual journey, which needs a retrospective summary and personal sum up. The advantage of having a birthday in the very end of the year is that special day in the last few years is always a great opportunity for kind, calm and sweet nostalgia of the past year.  2019 was a hard, but not unusual year with important and nice – small or big – moments of happiness, but also with lot of stress, lot of minor conflicts and challenges in my personal life and life-journey. I have travelled around 16.000 km in 4 countries. It is a year, which continues strictly the big events of 2018 and there were no major changes in my life in this year, however my unsure health issues certainly will need a more careful attention next year.

Here is my list of gratitude for 2019:

• -          I’m thankful for visiting Erfurt in January and meeting my old friends there, finishing finally the journey of my PhD certificate too
• -           I’m grateful for my friends and dear colleagues in Sibiu and Szeged, some of them helped me a lot and certainly will represent an important pillar in the following year too in my uncertainties and quests
• -          Grateful for my work and project on András Bodor and the opportunity to study his heritage. This project gave me also the possibility to visit twice this year London and to spend 10 days in Oxford. Happy to have amazing friends in London, Greenwich and now in Oxford too
• -           Thankful for my friends in Budapest – old and new too. It is a city I feel as my second home since many years, although it is a transit city in my life since a decade now. Somehow, similar to Cluj, city I visited often this year too.
• -          Happy to meet this year some really nice friends in Bucuresti and Constanta too
• -          Thankful for the amazing opportunity to visit again Rome, the Urbs, city of cities spending there a month. After 3 years it was again, fascinating to feel, touch, smell and study the Grande Bellezza of my life. Grateful for my research in the German Archaeological Institute and to some new and old friends from Rome too, who made my stay there marvelous.
• -           I feel happy to visit this year Pompeii with some friends: an amazing, unforgettable moment for me
• -          happy to finish and publish two popularizing books, 2-3 articles and reviews, although most of my big works I proposed for this year is still under work
• -          incredibly grateful to meet again – for the third time – pope Francis in Bucuresti and Nils Frahm in Budapest
• -          Grateful for my students and their energy. I had some seminars, where I met again the feeling of catharsis
• -           Finally, grateful for my family, for their patience which is often challenged.

This year marked also some intense ideological conflicts with some colleagues, friends or others. Often, virtual life is different from reality and our fast, changing society is also in a transitional period of changes. Hopefully, these quests I have as individual and the macro-issues as we face as humanity will get a bit clearer next year at least.

I wish for myself and for all of you more awareness, slow-time and good health and the amazing message of S. Hawking: just keep talking.

The Erfurt experience: memories of the last two years

I had a wonderful farewell party with my friends from Cluj-Kolozsvár in May, 2013. I knew already than, that next year in the same period I will be already in Erfurt. I won a doctoral scholarship in Rome and in Erfurt too. Was one of my best days to celebrate. Wonderful memories.

After an unforgettable stay in Rome, I moved in Erfurt in the end of February, 2014. My mother didn’t even know where is this city...my friends back home asked me, where is this town known perhaps for some of us due to Luther and the worst school massacre ever happened in Germany. In few days, I met all my obstacles and challenges I will face in the next two years: language barriers, missing my homeland, my old friends, people with the same mentality and world view, the sunshine, warm and hot weather, the dynamic life of Cluj-Kolozsvár and Rome, the beauty of Budapest. I found myself in a small city, with an amazing architecture from its long time disappeared Medieval glory. A sleeping beauty, which wakes up few times per year, mainly because of the great crowd of old, local tourists. I passed a terrible insomniac period of two months (sleeping 3-4 hours per day) till I accepted the town. It was like a metamorphosis. You accept it, or you run away. In my deepest darkness of insomnia, I decided to walk around in the heart of the Altstadt, to discover all the small Medieval streets, churches, gassen of the town. I found out, that it is not only beautiful, but very peaceful too, especially if I can avoid people here. To enjoy the small Gera, called generously by the locals as “small Venice”, the beautiful sound of birds in the Louisenpark, the picturesque bridges there from the 19^th century and some of my favourites art nouveau doors from the new part of the city. Erfurt, the empty, useless jewellery of Thüringia became slowly a personality, with few hidden, lived beauties. It was an interior journey too, healing myself from severe homesick and loneliness, wondering through the streets of Erfurt and slowly, building my own universe here. I was lucky to met some exceptional persons here, who arrived always in those moments, when you are in the deepest “sh—t”. Probably, in a pathetic discourse they would called the Angels. They are, actually. They helped me to accept a city and an environment, which was so unfamiliar, so different, so new for me in every details. They proved what the longest ever Harvard study did few years ago: the secret of happiness and health is always to have quality relationships and bonds. I’m really glad, that in my journey - in Erfurt and beyond – I met amazing people. The last 4 years of my Ph.D. spent in 4 different countries crossed my journey with the life of hundreds of other people. Beside the fact, that I was extremely luck to study in one of the best academic environments of the world (for those at least who are interested in Roman religion), I met also some fantastic researchers, who’s inspiring life and journey gave me power to carry on and to believe, that once I will find stability and a place called home, for what I’m seeking for since many years. Hopefully, soon.

I leave Erfurt. Will return several times, so farewells are useless in a globalized world, where mobility of all kind of people are higher than ever – especially in academia. But in many sense, I know, a chapter of my life ends now. As it happened in 2013, when I left my beloved Cluj, or in 2007 when I left my hometown. One need to summarize the journey, make some conclusions and express his gratitude for all the beautiful memories experiences and lived in a period, which marks my life.

So thankful for that academic environment, I experienced here. A single picture, which I will never forget, can tell this more, than any words: during the International Congress of World Religions, where I was helper in that well known blue shirt (my colleagues know!), I attended the opening lecture of Jörg Rüpke in the Lived Ancient Religion panel. The small room was full with people, there was no space to move. So many people were there, that some of them were sitting on the floor, as in a meditation session. In the room I saw Christopher Smith, Jörg Rüpke, Rubina Raja, Richard Gordon, Attilio Mastrocinque, Jan Bremmer, Nicole Belayche, Corinne Bonnet, Greg Woolf, my friends from Rome, Erfurt and the UK. This was for me something like the famous Hollywood selfie: all of your idols in one room. Unforgettable.

Most grateful for those few persons, who I met here and I’m considering them as friends. I think, I was able to build up here a social life, which reflected my old nature and my life back in my homeland. Bonds for a lifetime – let’s hope.

I’m grateful for the inner journey I made here. Was my biggest and hardest challenge till now, but surely helped a lot to get much stronger, adaptable and flexible to hard environments and new situations. I learned to monitorize my own fears and demons, insecurities. In some cases, with some persons I met here, this didn’t work unfortunately. In most of the cases however, yes. And I’m glad for that and grateful for those angels, who helped me in this embodied experience from Erfurt, Weimar, Jena and home too.